As a young mother with two small children I have found myself feeling inexperienced and sort of lost some days. I keep finding it easy to justify my ignorance by basically giving myself a free pass to make mistakes or take days off from being mom. I shamefully catch myself using the excuse, "they are too small to remember." I think I'm desperately just trying to make myself feel better for messing up a day or spending my time "caring more for the deeds of doing then of the spirit". How do you find that balance?
There are many times when I have tried to be that sweet, special, kind of mother who only talks gently and who thinks lastly about herself, and most of those moments have helped shape my family's lives but, I will admit, though, that there are other days when I lose myself in complete selfishness...big time. I have let my 4 year old play video games for way too long while I work on the house or try to get a project completed. I will see how long I can go...go...go without my sweet little baby girl really needing my attention. I then find myself at the end of the day wondering if I had even made an impression on them and wishing that I had taken the time to watch them smile, see them grow or even talk to them. Unfortunately that is when the guilt sets in. Discouragement takes over and wishing to begin again drains my soul. I am then faced with the choice of giving up or trying harder.After being literally filled with hope this last Easter weekend I found myself thinking a lot about this sentence: Alma 56:48
"We do not doubt our mothers knew it".
Do my kids understand what I know? Can they see it in my eyes even though they are small?
One of my biggest fears is that one day I will get up enough courage to ask them "What does mommy know?" and they'll say with that perfectly honest and childlike integrity, "Mom, you know how to clean. You know how to sew and you like to be on the computer." It makes me sad just thinking about it. I don't want to be known for that. I want to be thought of as a truly loving mother and devoted wife. That's all. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes on Sunday as I listened to our church's General Conference:
"The love of a true mother comes nearer to being like the love of God than any other kind of love."
- Joseph Smith
I think that the day you discover you really know yourself and you have accepted who you are is the day that you will feel that true kind of love for your little ones. I don't think a selfish heart can grab hold of a Christ like love because a pure love is selfless and perfect just like He is. I think that knowing is the most important thing we can accomplish here on earth. I understand that a perfect knowledge of everything is unattainable right now but to know who we are and why we are here is key to becoming more like him. So...
My Goal: To become a mother who really really KNOWS.
As a jumping off point:
I know that with each new day comes hope...even when the sun is not shining.
I know that truth is evident when I am really trying to listen.
I know that when I am feeling lonely it is only because I have forgotten who loves me most.
I know that if I push myself beyond what I believe to be capable of, then I'm personally in for a neat surprise.
I know that I am a daughter of God.
I know that my kids were given to me to care for and to teach.
I know that inspiration comes anytime we seek it.
I know that my hands are to be my Savior's hands...to be used in any way He may need me.
I know that the gift of a second chance can be life changing.
I know what my mom and dad know.
I know that I can do better.
I know that He lives.
I know that one day I will become who He wants me to be.
I know that motherhood is the greatest kind of good out there.
I'm going to try harder.