Sunday, November 22, 2009

Learning to be Me

My mom once told me that she didn’t raise me, but that I raised her. Now as a mother myself I am learning what she meant, because that is what I spend my days doing: learning. And I love it.
There is a deep corner of my heart that will always beat for the studious life at a university. I was in love with my life on that huge, beautiful campus that was buzzing with people and ideas and knowledge. I miss it. A lot. But I have discovered a new corner of my heart that beats even stronger, as a student of experience and a student of children and a student of me.
I am learning how to refine myself. I am learning how to grow and change shape without changing value. My campus has grown to encompass more than just the buildings for books and lectures and tests, but it is in my home, my friends’ homes, the grocery store, the park, the city; it is at story time, at bath time, at dinner time, at play time, at bed time; as I take pictures, as I write, as I create memories, and as I love my family.
I recently asked myself what it is that changed in me. Because this is what life is all about—we are constantly learning from every-day experiences. So why is it so much more obvious and meaningful to me now? I think I just learned how to really pay attention. And as I have learned to really pay attention, I have discovered a few things about myself:
I always paint my nails pink in the summer time, and red in the winter.

I love being surrounded by books--always have, always will. Someday there will be a room in my house with floor-to-ceiling shelves that are filled with good books.

I love to make things beautiful.
My aspirations, while not all realized, are part of what make me real.
I worry too much about what other people think.
I like sleeping with socks on.
For me, watching the news is a necessary evil.
I am totally cool with being just like my mom. I know I can’t be JUST like her, but something close would be an honor and a great accomplishment.
I need chocolate on a regular basis.My husband needs it on a more frequent basis.

I am glad I married someone better than myself.
I love sitting by a fire; alone, or with friends, or with a book, and especially on a rainy night.
I find surprising fulfillment in the change of seasons. I treasure the little gifts each has to offer.
My greatest joys are found with my family, and my greatest fear is to lose them.
Sometimes I need silence just as much as I need good music.

I can feel the essence of divinity in creating things. (Is that what butterflies are, Jenni? A little flittery piece of heaven?)

I have the best friends any girl could ask for.
I like my name. Cortney. No 'u' necessary.

I love Gorgonzola cheese.
There are a lot of things that “drive me nuts!” but there are more things that make me happy.
And I am happy. I am truly happy just learning to be me.

1 comment:

  1. Great post. We all need to learn to just be ourselves, but to also open ourselves up to the possibility of new things. Love you!