Learning to be Me

My mom once told me that she didn’t raise me, but that I raised her. Now as a mother myself I am learning what she meant, because that is what I spend my days doing: learning. And I love it.

There is a deep corner of my heart that will always beat for the studious life at a university. I was in love with my life on that huge, beautiful campus that was buzzing with people and ideas and knowledge. I miss it. A lot. But I have discovered a new corner of my heart that beats even stronger, as a student of experience and a student of children and a student of me.

I am learning how to refine myself. I am learning how to grow and change shape without changing value. My campus has grown to encompass more than just the buildings for books and lectures and tests, but it is in my home, my friends’ homes, the grocery store, the park, the city; it is at story time, at bath time, at dinner time, at play time, at bed time; as I take pictures, as I write, as I create memories, and as I love my family.

I recently asked myself what it is that changed in me. Because this is what life is all about—we are constantly learning from every-day experiences. So why is it so much more obvious and meaningful to me now? I think I just learned how to really pay attention. And as I have learned to really pay attention, I have discovered a few things about myself:

I always paint my nails pink in the summer time, and red in the winter.

I love being surrounded by books--always have, always will. Someday there will be a room in my house with floor-to-ceiling shelves that are filled with good books.

I love to make things beautiful.

My aspirations, while not all realized, are part of what make me real.

I worry too much about what other people think.

I like sleeping with socks on.

For me, watching the news is a necessary evil.

I am totally cool with being just like my mom. I know I can’t be JUST like her, but something close would be an honor and a great accomplishment.

I need chocolate on a regular basis.My husband needs it on a more frequent basis.

I am glad I married someone better than myself.

I love sitting by a fire; alone, or with friends, or with a book, and especially on a rainy night.

I find surprising fulfillment in the change of seasons. I treasure the little gifts each has to offer.

My greatest joys are found with my family, and my greatest fear is to lose them.

Sometimes I need silence just as much as I need good music.

I can feel the essence of divinity in creating things. (Is that what butterflies are, Jenni? A little flittery piece of heaven?)

I have the best friends any girl could ask for.

I like my name. Cortney. No 'u' necessary.

I love Gorgonzola cheese.

There are a lot of things that “drive me nuts!” but there are more things that make me happy.

And I am happy. I am truly happy just learning to be me.

Butterflies

You know that feeling you get when the best thing in the whole world seems to happen right then in that very moment. Maybe it is a first kiss or a ride on the greatest roller coaster out there. Maybe it's the anxiousness you feel before handing over a really thoughtful gift or getting to see somebody you haven't seen in a really long time step off an airplane.

You know...your eyes get wider and your heart beats a little bit faster. Your ears might get burning hot and your feet might have a hard time being still. That is how I feel every time I think about creating something pretty or finding something new. My days and my tummy are filled with butterflies!

I am Jenni. I am in love with newness. I am more in love with making old things new. I adore my kids and my cute husband. I think everybody who wants to, can and should make something beautiful. I also believe that a butterfly moment should be created everyday. Some of my favorites:

. the smell of new fabric
. jumping on the bed

. singing as loud as I can to a favorite song

. cooking something new

. making a card for a special person

. making up really exciting bedtime stories for my Payton

. ribbon (you will come to see this obsession later)

. super, good, sweaty workouts

. a really good idea

. twirling with my Sadie

. quilting

. playing in a symphony

. playing by myself

. teaching

. holding my Marky's hand

. singing with my sisters

. making new memories

. watching a room in my house come to life

. sharing what I believe

. becoming a teenager again

. being with my soul mates

. trying something new

. catching the light in another person's eyes

just to name a few.

I literally crave the feeling every day and I'll do whatever I can to keep it. I think that I create because it keeps me happy and makes me who I am. I think that finding out what gives you butterflies is thrilling and totally exhilarating. Days are meant to be completely new...that is what is so perfect about life. I'm excited and all butterflied just thinking about what is about to happen. I'm Ready!

Just the Facts

Hi. I’m Rachel.
I am a wife, mother, sister, aunt, great-aunt (!), and friend.
I am a doula.
I left my heart in the city when we moved to our small town, but I’m growing to love it here.
I have two small children, two large cats, four backyard chickens, and just the best husband.
I love to cook, but I hate the monotony of making dinner. every. day.
I am a Scorpio, but I don’t really act like one.
When it comes to creative spaces, I do love a fabulous mess. Sometimes our entire house becomes a creative space.

I recently read: “Each person who ever was or is or will be has a song. It isn’t a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, it has its own words. Very few people get to sing their own song. Most of us fear that we cannot do it justice with our voices, or that our words are too foolish or too honest, or too odd. So people live their songs instead.” * I love this.

I am a quilter, a crafter, a novice gardener, and a sometimes writer, scrapbooker and amateur photographer. I don’t love to knit.

I am a fan of Indian food, dahlias, independent radio, social justice, and my mom.
I sometimes like to play with my kids’ toys after they’re asleep.
I wish I knew how to dance.
I believe in little things.
I worry too much.

I love words like grace, and balance, and pinafore, and nonsense, and welcome. Best of all, welcome. To our humble blog, welcome.

I hope you will feel at home.

(*Neil Gaiman, in his novel Anansi Boys)

The Season of Now

jen

Winter. Spring. Summer. Autumn. Seasons that dictate everything from what we do with our day to how we feel to what we feed ourselves, and for different reasons, I love them all. Have you ever noticed that just when you begin to tire of the current season, the next one is waiting in the wings to enter stage left? Weary of trimming, weeding and maintaining our humble landscape towards the end of August, come March I cannot wait to dig my fingers in the dirt but must wait until the rain lets up and the winds die down. Or when I struggle to yet again reinvent another soup for dinner, it’s time to plant spring lettuce and get ready for grilling. And so nature imitates life, and vise versa.

Although the wind is howling outside my window as I write, the rain is coming down in sheets, and the last of the few yellow leaves are clinging desperately to their part-time residence on the maple trees out front, I’m in the springtime of my life. Constantly discovering who I am, I catch occasional glimpses of someone who’s doing it right, whatever “right” means.

Someone once told me, “The way you feel about yourself can change dramatically when you understand who you are and who you can be.” I have an urgent desire to create…create a comfortable home where my young family can flourish and grow, create memories and traditions that we’ll fondly recall and one day find ourselves saying “remember when…”, and create beauty in any form.

I sew, I cook, I quilt, I craft, I write, I garden, I read. I also fret, joke, cry, sing, organize, laugh (although regretfully not enough at myself), wonder, obsess, and daydream. I’m happy, tired and vibrant in my quest for inspiration. Stretched physically and emotionally, at the same time I am fiercely protective of my family, much akin to a mother robin standing guard over her young and proudly standing beside her mate. I’m where I’m supposed to be, the season of now.

Who am I?

I am Cali.

I am a mother to two gorgeous kids. (Yes, I know every parent thinks there children are the cutest. Mine are to me. You can think differently)

I am the wife to one awesome man. He treats me wonderfully.

I am a friend to some of the best women alive.

And where does that leave me in relation to this blog. I am not sure. I was asked to be a part of this blog and was quite honored. I was not blessed with the talent of writing, so I thought it was funny. My friends had read my personal blog. They had seen all my e-mails. I am grateful every day for spell check, but it would be nice if there was a program that would proofread for me. I know Microsoft Word has a feature that corrects grammar, but for me that is not enough. So as I write, please forgive me, overlook my errors, and feel free to tease if you would like. It is who I am. It has always been a part of me. It was not until my Junior year in High school that I was in a "normal" English class. (That was only because they stopped offering the fundamentals of English class after Sophomore year.) So I have some of my own writing "rules," or lack of rules. It is who I am. A part of me. I am working on it. This blog will be good for that. But for now I am a work in progress. That is all that life is though, a work in progress. We are constantly striving to be better. Constantly striving to find things that will help us become better wife's, mothers, citizens, neighbors, leaders, etc. So I guess that is who I am. I know more of myself will come out through this blog, but for now, this is me. A quirky writer, mother, wife, and friend.

PS My tag is up in the picture. I know. That is me too. Every day without fail growing up, I would have my tag up in the back of my shirt. Thank goodness for tagless tees. My family were pros at watching out for me and putting my tag down growing up. It is one of my other many quirks.

PSS I am working at finding a picture of me. Only me. It should be up here soon.